What was I thinking?

Blog 3: What Was I Thinking?

I mentioned yesterday that the moment at the movies was a major eye-opener for me. At the time, I was doing well—spiritually, physically, emotionally. I spent as many hours as I could sitting at the feet of Jesus. I was healthy. I was focused on taking care of myself. My son was doing great.

And then came this tug in my spirit.

Was God really asking me to pray for my husband?

I said no.

I was convinced it wasn’t from God. But the nudging didn’t stop. It kept coming... again and again.

Then, in December of that year, I went to a women’s conference. On the way home, God asked me, “What do you really want?” I shrugged, “I don’t know, God.” He pressed again, “What do you really want?”

Something in me broke. I was driving, crying so hard I could barely see the road. I was merging onto Broadway Extension, weeping uncontrollably, when I shouted through my tears, “I want my marriage back!”*l

I cried for miles.

It wasn’t just about the marriage—it was years of disappointment, heartbreak, and dreams that didn’t come true. All of it just spilled out.

Then came that gentle nudge again: “I need you to pray for your husband. I need you to pray for Scott.”

I argued. “Nope. He’s someone else’s problem now.” He was dating someone else. I was done.

But just to get God "off my back," I opened the Bible app and found the shortest marriage devotional I could—one minute a day. That’s all He was getting from me. I started the next morning, reading with no emotion, no hope... honestly, with a whole lot of bitterness.

Around day 10 or 12, my husband moved in with our oldest daughter who needed a roommate. Again, I thought: He’s someone else’s problem now. But I felt prompted to drop off some things to help them settle in. Then a couple of days later, she called and said, “Keep your eye out for a washer and dryer.” I spotted one on Craigslist—free—and sent it to her. I told her to tell her dad to go pick it up since he had a truck. (The truck I had bought for myself and my ministry... and ended up giving to him during one of his tantrums.)

Bitterness? Yep. Still had some.

She replied, “Mom, please. He won’t go unless you go.”

I told my son, “I’m going with your dad to pick up a washer and dryer.”

He looked at me and said, “That’s a terrible idea.”

I agreed. I dropped a pin of our location just in case. I told him, “If you don’t hear from me, call the police and send them here.”

I wasn’t being dramatic. At our last court date, I saw something in Scott's eyes that scared me—it wasn’t him. Turns out, I wasn’t wrong. But I got in the truck anyway.

Fifteen minutes of dead silence. So I broke it. I let him have it—I told him exactly what I thought, because we were getting divorced anyway.

And then... he talked back. Not in anger, but really talked.

By the time we got to the destination—supposedly 45 minutes away—he thought I had tricked him into a reconciliation. I hadn’t. We ended up in the middle of nowhere. I honestly wasn’t sure if he was going to throw me out or leave me stranded. We’ve never really discussed that moment. But eventually, he turned the truck around.

On the way back, we talked. Really talked. For the first time in years.

By the time he dropped me off at home, I was dazed. What just happened?

But God was working.

Over the next few weeks, we texted. I made it crystal clear: if we were going to try again, things had to be different. God had to be the center. No compromise.

He agreed. That, in itself, was a miracle.

We started dating again, like brand-new love. It felt like fireworks. Six days before our divorce was finalized, we called it off and chose to start over.

Listen to me—God can do anything.

Our marriage still has rough patches. We’re not perfect. But I’ve healed. I respect myself. And I don’t try to fix him anymore. I just obey when God nudges me—and I’ve become quick to apologize when He convicts me. I don’t want to get to Heaven and hear, “You didn’t forgive them, so I’m not forgiving you.”

I’ve wondered: Did I get back with him because I was afraid? Yes—partly. And fear is never a good reason to make a decision.

But God still used it. He still redeemed it.

Marriage. Parenting. Career. These are all testing grounds. Growth grounds. God uses them to prepare you for your purpose.

Since then, I’ve made some mistakes. I let my health go. Stress crept back in. Drama returned like an old friend—but I’ve learned to shut it down, to set boundaries, and to protect my peace. Because I’m worthy. I’m a daughter of the King. And I treat others well, so I expect to be treated well in return.

You’ll hear more about what I’m launching soon. But if any part of my story resonates with you, I invite you to like, comment, or share this post. If you want to know what’s coming, join my VIP list. Just drop your name and email—or simply comment “I’m in” and I’ll reach out privately.

Because if God can bring me through everything He’s brought me through—He can bring you through anything. Your promised land isn’t far away. Sometimes, it’s just one step and one mindset shift away.